


Fate's Dream

by AnxietyAndColdCoffee



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-07-28 13:47:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16242899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnxietyAndColdCoffee/pseuds/AnxietyAndColdCoffee
Summary: Lara Jean just wants to transfer to UVA, after two long years at UNC, and maybe it's for Peter but it's also for her family (so she says). It all rides on a single letter that supposed to arrive sometime within the next four weeks.





	1. Don't Lose That Light

**Author's Note:**

> This is also the first time I've ever written in first person so please let me know what you think. I'm a whore for third person so this was a challenge but I felt this should be written in the same way as the books were. Also I'm highly inspired by music and this chapter was written mostly in part of "Lose That Light" by Folly and the Hunter!

 I exhaled a deep breath I didn’t even realize I was holding until my gaze slowly drifted up to the woman sitting behind the desk. Her silver eyes were tired and filled with an emotion I was almost too scared to reading into.

 I had made the Dean’s List all six of the eight semesters I was attending UNC, I worked my butt off but suddenly I felt as if I didn’t do nearly enough. The past two years have been riding up until this very moment and all I could find myself doing was gripping tightly onto the rope belt I had wore tightly wrapped around my waist.

 Why did I wear this? Suddenly my dress was a little too short and the room felt so stuffy and I could barely breath as she continued to scribble some notes onto the paper.

 “Seems like that’s all I need, you can leave now Miss.. Covey.” She noted cautioning a glance down to the paperwork before her. Standing up extending her hand in a way I could only assume she does frequently. I stood a little to quickly causing the chair to make a high pitched screech across the floor flinching as I reached for her hand, rather dramatically I regret.

 “Thank you so much.” I sputtered feeling the heat of my palm slip from hers immediately twisting my face in disappointment as I exited the room.

 That was it? Of course I knew it wasn’t going to be a long interview but I drove down four hours and waited three for her to spend less than twenty minutes interviewing me. Did I say something wrong or maybe she heard all she needed?

 My mind was spinning as I made my way through the admissions building down towards Peter’s dorm. I specifically told him not to wait for me, I couldn’t bare to face him right  now as I was using the warm walk across campus to pull myself together.

_“Peter and Lara Jean will always tell each other the truth, even when it’s hard.”_

 The words rang clearly in my mind as I pushed the door open my heart rhythmically thumping within my chest the moment that boy spun around in his chair.

_God I love you Peter Kavinsky_. I though as I strolled over to him sliding into his lap my face tucking into the crook of his neck blowing out a soft breath. His hand was warm as it found it’s way to my thigh rubbing small circles just above my knee. He didn’t have to say it out loud and neither did I. My whole body was tense with worry.

 “What if I don’t get in?” I finally mumbled after a few minutes.

 “What if the sun doesn’t come out tomorrow?” his joked his breath tickling my ear as he responded. After a long beat he tightened his arm around me pressing a soft kiss to skin behind my ear. “Then we find a way to make it work, we always will.” He was so confident, Peter Kavinsky was _always_ confident.

 He was right though two long years apart and we made things work. I called every night, within reason sometimes I called in the afternoon before I set off to an all nighter and other times our schedules didn’t line up. But Peter, _oh Peter_ , he wrote letter every single week. I insisted for so many weeks that he didn’t have to but he dismissed every word I had to say.

 “ _Lara Jean Song-Covey…”_

 I could recall so many letters scrawled across varying papers I had hidden away in my hat box. Some were wrinkled so delicate from being folded and read over and over I was scared to touch them again scared they’d rip. But did I love those letters.

 I was certain of one thing as I shuffled across his lap turning my gaze upwards at that beautiful man staring down at me. _I don’t deserve you, Peter Kavinsky._

_“_ Why are you looking at me like that, Covey?” He mused a smirk forming over his lips and I could feel a tightness within me forming. He had such control over me, even after all this time I couldn’t help myself, it was like I was starving and he was the only thing that could satisfy me.

 And _boy_ did he satisfy.

 I could feel the blush burning my cheeks as I puffed out my lower lip into a pout, “Peter, why do you do this to me? I’m supposed to be upset.” I whined, trying my damnedest to keep the smile that was threatening to overtake my lips from breaking through.

 Peter leaned down brushing his lips against mine and I was intoxicated by his warmth, the way his breath smelt- like spearmint toothpaste and the way his clothes always smelt like they came straight from the dryer. Peter smelt like home.

 “What _am_ I doing to you, Covey?” He muttered against my skin, his lips brushing along my jaw to the hollow point of my neck. A moan eluded my lips I could feel his tongue flicker along my collarbone and I _needed_ him. My fingers danced along the hem of his shirt before folding the material within my fingertips allowing myself to dive under the fabric.

 His abs danced along my fingertips as I rose up his torso, I traced the lines along his muscles my nails scraping upward towards his chest as his bit down along my neck a hiss of pleasure escaping me. “ _Peter..”_ I groaned lifting myself in his lap to allow my dress to flutter over his lap pressing myself into him.

 “You are so beautiful, Lara Jean.” He muttered his eyes half closed as he look up at me, hands moving to steady my hips.

 Swollen lips and flushed skin, I could stare at him forever. I never wanted to forget him this way. How I, Lara Jean Song-Covey, was able to make Peter Kavinsky this drunk off his own emotions for me. He _loved_ me and I loved him with my whole heart. There was no one else but Peter and as far as I knew there would never be anyone else.

 “I love you.” Leaning down I whisper against his lips grasping onto the material of his shirt giving a small tug upwards. I lean back as he raises his arms to allow the shirt to slide across his skin before I toss it to the floor in a pile.

 Peter has always been attractive but over the past two years he’d really grown into himself. His shoulders as broad as they were before had filled out, muscles further defining themselves and his soft features were hardening into manly angles. It almost took me off guard. I hadn’t seen him in five weeks as our schedules didn’t match up and without a car I was stuck at UNC and I walked right past him when he drove down to surprise me before doing a double take my jaw almost hitting the ground. His arms filled out his shirts and his hair fell down over his forehead in a soft tuff.

 I made him promise never to cut it again.

 My fingers reach out to run through his hair as I feel his brushing softly along the tips of mine. Even after all this time he was still so gentle with me. His hands press against my lower back urging me back to his lips.

 I break.

 I meet his with my own fierce passion, promises and worries of the future. I wanted to be _here_ with him. I spill everything I have within that kiss and he meets me back with his own promises soothing every worry that passes through my mind wordlessly to his lips.

 Standing effortlessly he grips onto my thighs as I wound myself around him. Dipping down my stomach does a whirl as he presses me into his mattress lips never leaving mine. I could _feel_ his words etching into my lips as he pours into me.

 Tears spill from my eyes as I allow my dress to slip down onto the floor. His pants pool at his ankles before being wiggled off to the ground. I don’t know why I’m crying and he doesn’t ask. This time feels different and the both of us can feel it, its like an unspoken word between us. So we try to get closer, push clothes aside and bury ourselves in one another. Lose ourselves selfishly ignoring the thought of what's to come.

 My heart is racing as his lips press to my ear, I hear his raged breathing as he mutters my name. I’m not ready, I dig my nails into his back and moan his name as I arch into him. _Please, not yet._ I beg, so he waits planting kisses along my neck and across my jaw before capturing my moan with his lips. I’m on fire, does he feel it? Can he swallow the flames and put me out?

 Whatever happens Peter Kavinsky would never stop loving me. I would never stop loving him. As sure as my name is Lara Jean I will always, not matter how far we go, have a part of my heart reserved for this man.

 

* * *

 I wake up sometime later and honestly I can’t even recall falling asleep. A soft glow from across the room illuminates his roommate Leo’s face and I’m mortified.

 I go to pull the sheet up over me only to realize I’m dressed? Racking my brain as I try to calm my breathing when I feel Peter’s arm tightening around me. _Of course_ Peter dressed me. My eye dance over to the floor where I notice our clothing are no longer littered about. He folded them haphazardly before placing them on his desk.

 A soft click ceases the light filtering the room and I allow my eyes to flutter closed once more. I feel Peter place a soft kiss to the back of my neck sending trails of goosebumps down the length of my legs. Reaching down I bring one of his hands to my lips pressing kisses along his palm- _I love you, I love you, I love you._ I seal my words with a period in the form of a soft lingering kiss on the inside of his wrist.

 “ _Don’t worry about it Covey, I’m yours.”_

 His soft words float back to my conscious mind as I recall him muttering soft words to me as I began to drift off to sleep. Peter was promising me the world, more than the world he was promising me forever. Nothing could compare to the mental image of the rest of forever with Peter Kavinsky.

 “ _Please don-”_ I wanted to tell him not to give up on me, on us. I wanted to scream at him that the least he could do was let me say it out loud to him. _Please_ let me get this out, I begged with my eyes but he wouldn’t have it. He wouldn’t allow me to say anything hinting about the uncertainty of our future.

 Peter and I? We did two years of long distance. We fought like crazy- screaming, yelling, hanging up phone calls. I refused to face time him so many times but I always resolved and came back with tears in my eyes and a pile of cookies in hand. I could _never_ stay mad at Peter.

 We never gave up though, even when we went through a rough patch of not seeing each other for two months. Lacrosse practice got intense, finals were kicking my butt, and Peter’s car broke down. We were stuck and I hated it. For the first time since starting college the distance was finally starting to take it’s toll. I had doubts, unspoken of course because I couldn’t bare to allow them to enter the universe beyond my mind.

 “ _It would be so much easier if you were here.”_ Immediately he knew, he knew that I knew he screwed up. I remember so vividly how upset I was my face turned red and my roommate took one look at me and slipped out of the room. I hated being mad at Peter and he was _so tired_ from practice he wasn’t even thinking but I was _furious_. How could he say that to me? The very next day he showed up at the crack of dawn cinnamon donuts in hand kissing me awake with apologies between every peck.

 I melted.

 We lived our lives in semesters. Fall was chilly but winter was warm. Spring was lonely but the summers were _hot_. Nothing was better than Peter Kavinsky in the summer, I loved his pink cheeks and soft sweaters but the smell of summer and the glisten of sweat on his skin was all that got me through Spring.

 I drift off again, this time with the promise of Summer, four more weeks and he was mine. Final exams and the hope of a letter from UVA that would set the tone for the next two years of my life- _our lives_.


	2. Unsteady

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lara Jean comes home and Peter feels different.

 I could feel his breath along my cheeks as I woke the next day, slithering my arms up I stretch out from the tips of my fingers all the way to my toes awaiting the satisfying _pop_ of my back. Humming contently I lean upwards brushing my lips against his, “Morning..” I mutter fingers dancing along the stubble of his jaw.

 That’s how we stay for the rest of the weekend, cuddled up in his dorm room watching Netflix a mess of limbs and emotions.

 “ _Covey, if you keep worrying I’m gonna end up marrying an old woman.”_ He teased gently brushing the worry from between my eyebrows. And if I went home that Sunday slathering my face in anti-aging Korean masks and lit some relaxing incense it was _definitely_ none of Peter Kavinsky’s business. It hurt, but my heart fluttered even at the mention of marrying Peter.

 I honestly don’t know how he could be _so calm_ about something so big but that was Peter, as confident as ever. He had no doubt I would make it into UVA as a transfer, if it were up to him he’d be looking at apartments now.

 Peter wanted to _live_ with me off campus for our Junior year. Daddy wasn’t so thrilled at the prospect but he also wasn’t exactly ready for Kitty to be dating and _thank God_ neither was she. But that didn’t stop the boys from coming to the door asking if she was home. Daddy said if _one more boy_ comes to the house asking for Kitty they were going to move, Trina thought this was _hilarious_.

 Nevertheless he was busy as ever home with Kitty, that girl was enough Song-Covey to ease the absence of Margot and I, that he eventually just gave in saying we’d talk about it when the time came. I knew that meant yes and so did Trina. She was just happy to have another girl close to home it didn’t matter if I was bunking on campus or with Peter in some lousy apartment.

 “ _Lara Jean,”_ Emilia hissed her voice low and urgent as she jabbed my cheek with a highlighter, “are you even paying attention?!” She huffed tapping her fingers to her notes in effort to get me to focus.

 Reaching forward I slide the coffee from the table, much to my dismay, before taking a quick gulp my nose immediately wrinkling up at the ice cold beverage. “ _Yuck_ ,” I groan my fingers dancing over to my phone where a picture of myself and Peter illuminate the screen behind the time. _Three Forty-Six._ I read my eyelids falling heavy.

 “Peter’s right you are getting wrinkles.” Erin teased with a smirk. Gasping I swiftly grabbing up my phone looking into the refection of my now darkened screen a pout over my lips, “Well then I guess you no longer need my notes.” I huffed snatching my notebook from in front of her flipping my braid over my shoulder.

 We had two more weeks until finals but to be honest I was more worried about the letter that was floating out in the universe somewhere addressed to me that held the future of my relationship… Uh, I mean school life.

 “C’mon Lara Jean I was _just kidding_..” Erin whined puffing out her lip. I couldn’t stay mad at Erin, she was my Chris away from Chris. Rolling my eyes I slid the notes back over. Molecular Biology was not my strong suit but Erin was struggling a little more than me, I couldn’t very well be a good roommate if I denied her some _properly_ written notes.

 “Just put them on my desk when you’re done..” I muttered through a yawn, my vision blurring as I fought back a few tears.

 Gathering my things in a messy pile I shove them into my bag leaving a few of my note cards scattered between the two of them. “I want all my notes back, I need to study to.” I gently reminded them with a tired smile as they nodded waving me off in their own tired tangent.

 As fun as sitting around mindlessly making note cards sounded I was a little too tired to even pretend I’d get anything out of that but reading the same passage repetitively and a stomach ache from old cold coffee.

 Stepping outside I got a refreshing gust of spring air zip past me. I wasn’t the only student out this late making their way back to their dorm. It was like a hoard of tired burnt out zombies shuffling past one another and I was just adding to the population.

 Finals were no joke.

 Pulling out my phone I nibble at my bottom lip, Peter _did_ say that I should call to let him know I was back at my dorm safely _however_ it was absurdly late. I decided against it pocketing my phone as I dug around for my dorm key.

 Once inside I decided to take a shower, maybe I was killing a little time but also I didn’t want to go to sleep feeling gross.

 Stepping out of the shower I check my phone feeling oddly refreshed but I assume that’s my second wind _finally_ hitting me. _Four twenty-six._ Peter would be getting up in about an hour for his morning work-out.

 Before I could fight myself I call him, I felt so selfish I almost hung up before I heard a shuffle on the other line.

 “Lara Jean?” Peter grumbled lowly his voice thick with sleep. God did he sound incredibly sexy when he just woke up. “Are you okay?” He asked a little more awake as I heard his bed sheets crinkle.

 “I’m fine, I just wanted to let you know I got back safely.” I mumbled dumbly feeling rather stupid that I actually woke him up just to selfishly hear his voice before I went to sleep. “And tell you that I love you.” I offered sweetly.

 Peter chuckled lowly on the other line before letting out a loud yawn contagiously passing it over to me. I could tell he wasn’t mad or even remotely upset that I called and my heart swelled because _wow,_ I didn’t deserve this man. “I love you too, Covey. Now get to sleep, I can’t have my girlfriend sleeping all day tomorrow you’ve got tests to study for.” He jokingly.

 “Okay,” I mutter slipping into one of Peter’s shirts and some shorts before crawling into bed, “two more weeks and you’re mine Peter Kavinsky.” I mutter into the phone cuddling into the pillow my limbs melting into the softness of my bed.

 “Goodnight Lara Jean.” He chuckled softly but didn’t hang up. Neither one of us did, I just allowed myself to drift off to the soft sound of his breathing as I’d come so familiar to doing over the past two years.

 

* * *

 The past week and a half had been so anticlimactic. We were going over the syllabus for classes, studying late nights in the library, and I was calling Peter less and less. It wasn’t exactly on purpose but both of us had to study on our classes.

 I could almost hear Ms. Kavinsky in the back of my mind telling me to let him focus and she was right, I couldn’t get in the way of him and school and quite honestly I needed to study as well.

 But it didn’t make it any easier.

 Sprawled across my bed I stare up at the ceiling of the dorm note cards neatly placed beside me in a zip-lock bag. “I will not call Peter Kavinsky.” I sternly told myself scrolling through my phone.

 “He’s probably at the library studying.” I softly press further so incredibly thankful that Erin was out getting us another late night round of coffee. “ _Or_ he’s sleeping because he needs his rest.” Sitting up I nodded before I saw the little green dot next to his name in messenger. _Active now_.

 “Dammit Peter Kavinksy,” I groaned throwing myself back into my pillow and rolling over. A soft shuffle and a snort at the door alerted me of Erin’s arrival.

 “What _are_ you doing Lara Jean?” She asked curiously her eyebrow cocking in my direction but I didn’t move allowing my lungs to deprive themselves of air as I shook my head into my pillow. “Oh my _God_ just call him so we can get back to studying. You’re _impossible_.” She grumbled tossing a few snacks at my side sliding the coffee onto her desk.

 Turning my face I sucked in a slow and steady inhale my eyes trailing over to the letter sitting on my desk a pout forming over my lips.

 “Oh no! Lara Jean- _Hey!”_ She snapped clapping her hands to avert my attention back to her, “We agreed- _Peter agreed_ we don’t open that letter until _after_ finals.” She hissed her eyes darkening and I was in _no mood_ to have that fight with her again.

 Standing up I snatched my phone off the bed before holding up my hand, “ _Five minutes_ and then you come get me.” I pressed a smirk forming over her lips as she held up two fingers to her eyes and pointed them back at me, “I’m watching you Lara Jean no phone sex tonight.” She teased my face igniting into the heat of a thousand suns.

 “I hate you,” I grumbled sliding out into the common area cautioning a glace over to the other bedroom across our dorm. It was shut and the light below it off so either they were sleeping or at the library studying, I thought the latter considering they were _both_ pre-med.

 My finger hovered over his number for a few moments before I called him sliding the phone up next to my ear. It was only half a ring before he answered, “Covey?” He brightly hummed as I heard some shuffling on the other line. “What do I owe this late night call to?” He teased softly his voice a hushed volume.

 “I could use a pick me up,” I said softly.

 “ _Oh_ , well I’m actually at the library right now _bu-”_

 “Peter Kavinsky that is _not_ what I meant!” I groaned slapping my hand over my face as I heard him chuckle on the other line, “And we only have five minutes before Erin drags me back to molecular hell.” I huffed.

 “I could have done it in three,” he simply hummed I could _hear_ the smirk on his lips and I would yell if he wasn’t right. We’d only had phone sex _once_ and when he spoke to me in that low _tasty_ voice of his it didn’t take me long. I could feel the ache building up within me as I bit down on my lip. “ _Jesus_ Covey I was just kidding.” He breathed but his voice moved up just a bit at the end letting me know I wasn’t the only one affected.

 “I know I just miss you.” I groaned sliding down further into the couch my head lulling back to the cushion. “Three more days Peter Kavinsky.” I promised with a tone of neediness in my voice.

 “I love you, Covey.” Peter muttered his words softening to an endearing tone as I heard him shuffle again, “Tomorrow is my last final, only-” a soft breath of a pause, “sixteen more hours.” He chirped.

 “I love you, Peter. Call me when you’re done.” I made him promise, even though I didn’t actually need to do much forcing. We hung up just as Erin bound through the door exclaiming my “ _Sexy time_ ,” was up.

 Peter did call the next day, he felt good about his exam and I was so proud. He’d come a long way from that Junior I’d fell in love with four years ago. School and sports were easy for him to juggle, as exhausted and ever present as lacrosse was in his life it was _so_ good for him.

* * *

 I step through the door of the Science wing a free woman two days later. My exam was at eight-thirty and took around an hour. I breezed through it and a part of me was so shock as I kept bubbling in answers one after another. Looks like the late night study sessions finally paid off.

 I couldn’t wipe the grin from my lips as I walked side-by-side with Erin and Emilia heading towards our building. I was mostly packed up I just had to do some final packing before I could head out and call it a summer.

 We didn’t say goodbye though, we knew we’d see each other despite what the letter said over the summer. So holding back tears we each hugged and promised to call once we were home. Erin was the first to leave and as she walked out the door bags in hand her boyfriend carrying ninety percent of them she winked. I only cried a little but as soon as I got myself together I called Peter.

 I insisted strongly that Peter not pick me up from school, “How would I get my car home Peter?” I mused a soft expression on my face as his bottom lip fell into a pout. Even on FaceTime I wanted to reach out and poke into the plush skin. “I’ll be home around three and we can have lunch and open my letter.” She mused.

 “You mean _celebrate.”_ He corrected with a smile and yeah, I did mean that but I just didn’t want to jinx it. “The universe is listening Peter Kavinsky you take that back.” I playfully warned as I shoved the last few things of mine into a bag.

 “Call me when you’re home? I’ll help you unpack.” He pressed softly but his face was full of hope.

 “Wouldn’t have it any other way.” I quipped leaning into the camera my hair falling into my face. “Now tell me you love me, _Kavinsky_.” I teased my lips breaking into a grin as I saw his face light up.

 “I love you, Lara Jean. Now come home.”

 I didn’t need much else, I was already excited to be home with daddy, Kitty, Trina, and Margot so Peter was like the perfect cherry on top of a sundae.

 The drive went by surprisingly fast, for the first half of the drive I listened to one of my books on audio before I found myself fantasizing a little too much and switched over to the radio giving my cheeks a little fanning.

 Pulling up I cut the engine before running up the walkway straight inside where everyone was waiting. “Daddy!” I called out running over to him and pulling him into an extra tight hug. I hadn’t seen daddy and Trina since Christmas, I’d been so incredibly busy with classes and finals and their own lives were filled with work and other obligations it just wasn’t in the cards but that was okay because I was here now.

 Even Kitty pulled me into a hug before groaning when I held on too long, “ _Alright_ Lara Jean stop blubbering on me. This is a new shirt.” She teased but there was a softness in her tone, she missed me just as much as I missed her.

 Trina was easy, it was a soft hug and I could tell she loved having us Song-Covey girls around. It filled her heart to see Daddy so happy.

 Margot was flying into town tomorrow, her and Ravi were going to spend some time here before going off to Texas to see his relatives. Margot and Ravi moved in together this past year and she was applying for an extension on her visa. I could tell a little part of daddy’s heart broke, to be honest everyone’s did, but she was _so happy_ there with Ravi we didn’t have the heart to tell her to truth. She knew though, she was Margot but there came a time in life where all of us make choices that would set the tone for the rest of our lives and we couldn’t bully her into saying goodbye to Ravi.

 I didn’t even have to call Peter, as I was catching up with Trina in the kitchen I heard a knock at the door. Kitty didn’t budge from where she was sitting on the couch nor did daddy at the table. They all knew it was for me, my heart sung. Trina nodded her head and I knew we’d continue this conversation later.

 I rushed to the door yanking it open before jumping straight into his arms wrapping my legs around his waist as he pulled me up into a tight embrace. The lingering scent of his cologne surrounded me as I pressed my face into his neck. A thick cough from behind up led Peter to setting me down but I just slid under his arm pressing my cheek to his chest feeling the rhythmic thrumming of his heart and the warmth of his body through the thin cotton of his t-shirt.

 “Dr. Covey,” Peter began leading us inside and I didn’t have the heart to pull myself away from him. Daddy didn’t say much though, Trina just grabbed his arm with a chuckle and led him back to his office. “C’mon Daniel let the kids have a little fun- but not _too much_ fun.” She jokingly taunted and I’ve never seen Daddy’s face so pale. This just threw Trina into another fit of laughter as he sighed following her back into his office leaving the three of us.

 Kitty rolled off the couch landing on her feet before bouncing over slapping the hand Peter had held up over his head, “Jeez little Covey you’re getting tall.” He nodded and Kitty beamed happily her cheeks becoming the slightest bit rosey.

 “Taller than _both_ Margot _and_ Lara Jean,” she bragged bouncing on her heels, “and I’m still growing.” She punctuated with a grin. It was true, sometime over the past year Kitty shot up past me, she was a few inches taller now but I was happy. I could see why Daddy’s was worried, my little Kitten was turning into quite the young lady. We were all growing up and for a moment I felt bad for Daddy, sure now he had Trina but I could’t bare to think about what would happen in the next couple years as Kitty made the transition to High School and beyond.

 Peter was over and we had a huge dinner, my choice and I surprisingly choose one of Daddy’s many Korean dishes. I missed home and even though it wasn’t the best adaptation of Korean food it tasted wonderful. Kitty disagreed but still ate it up with only a few sarcastic, “ _Mmmm, taste just like we’re in Korea.”_ Which we all chuckled at because _it didn’t_ and we all knew it but it still made Daddy smile.

 That night once we all parted ways I lay up awake in my bed. My body buzzed with energy as I stare out the window the moon was full basking our yard aglow. I couldn’t hold myself back, I drove over to Peter’s house once I knew for sure everyone was asleep and _somehow_ made it through his window. I stare at his body basking shirtless in the moonlight before kissing him awake. His body jolted against mine before our lips melted together his breath hot against my skin.

 Soft pecks turn open mouthed as he removed my shirt tossing it across the room busying himself with the freshly bare skin laid out before him. He was gentle but urgent like he was at war with what he wanted to do. It felt like a promise but there was an uneasy undertone that rest in the pit of my stomach.

 I groaned, I _needed_ him but he wasn’t done. He had to press his lips to every inch of me, lingering in _some_ areas longer than others and I wasn’t so opposed anymore. Peter was tender and loving, pressing his soft words to the inner skin of my thigh and promising soft tender words to the heated expanse of my chest.

 “I love you.” His words were stern, breathless but so bare.

 Why did this feel like a goodbye?

 I swallowed back my words pressing my fingers to either side of his face and meeting his lips urgently with my own. I didn’t care about anything I just _needed_ his kiss. I needed to pour my soul into his body, burn all my worries into ashes as I press myself on top of him breaking his softness. I _refused_ to weigh in on the feeling dragging me down.

 My nails scrapped down his chest filling myself with pleasure, allowing all my emotions to fall to the wayside as I bare my naked self before the man I loved. Peter took me for all I was.

 When the world shattered around me I trembled falling to his chest as I cried. He held me until the birds chirped and the sunlight began to trickle in through his open window. Lowering me out his window he softly brushed his lips against mine one last time and nothing felt the same as I crawled into my car driving home.

 I slid back through my window falling onto my covers wide awake but barely able to keep my eyes open. My mind raced but my body was slowly shutting down. I couldn’t place this feeling, it was like I knew. Something was going to change today, something was going to happen.

  _God please don’t let me lose Peter Kavinksy._

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by a slew of songs like damn a whole playlist:  
> Head Above Water - Avril Lavinge.  
> Unsteady - X Ambassadors  
> Stick of Losing Soulmates - dodie  
> The Promise - Tracey Chapman 
> 
> Also this could quite possibly be a double upload kinda day because my butt wrote 90% of chapter three and had to work my ass off to write chapter two and then chapter two got WAY OUT OF HAND AND SUPER LONG that I actually broke it down and added the other bit I began writing to the next chapter. I try to write long chapters and I hope you guys don't mind. Sorry if this seems all over the place I just had so many things to fit into one chapter and this maybe longer than 4 chapters??? I ugh.. More notes on the next chapter.


	3. Lost Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is wrong, Lara Jean doesn't know why she does what she does and what is on those damn voicemails?

 I woke up only a couple of hours later, that unsettling feeling in my stomach wasn’t allowing me to sleep. It was gnawing at my mind so I begrudgingly left the comfort of my bed and headed straight for the shower. My skin smelt like Peter. I stood outside the shower for a moment turning my gaze to the mirror noticing the purple bruise on the inside of my left breast.

 Exhaling softly I stepped into the shower standing there until the water ran cold and I heard Kitty banging on the door. “ _Hurry up, Lara Jean!”_ She called out urgently jiggling the handle roughly. I quickly washed up wrapping a towel around my torso before slipping past Kitty avoiding her eyes as I slid into my room locking the door.

 We never lock our doors but something felt off. I craved the silence of my bedroom. Sitting down onto the bed I study the contents of the room my nose wrinkling up because it was so _clean_ now. It almost seemed so foreign to me, for years the floor was littered in clothing to the point where I couldn’t even see it. Now it felt different, why did everything feel so different?

 After I pulled myself together I went downstairs to bake cookies, I took my time measuring the ingredients over and over before actually adding them to the dough. I placed over half of it in the freezer and a dozen cookies into the oven. I sat at the island staring out the window to the front yard when a familiar black Audi parks in front of the house.

 I want to vomit, my stomach lurches and I choke down the glass of water in front of me. _Everything is fine_. I remind myself as I run down the walkway jumping at Peter who catches me giving a little spin before pressing a fleeting kiss to my lips. “Where is everybody?” He asked his eyebrows furrowing as he looks over towards the house.

 I try not to be disappointed that he pulled back from the kiss much too quickly, “Daddy’s at work, one of his patients is in labor. Trina is inside with Kitty.” I mutter quickly.

 “Well then we should probably get your stuff unpacked.” He smoothly stated nodding his head over towards my car and I sighed pulling away slowly. As I pulled away he furrowed his brow a playful smile crossing his lips, “Whoa, _whoa_ Covey _.”_ He teased pulling me back by the loops of my pants. “Be patient.” He muttered leaning down to kiss me _properly_.

 Signing I press into him popping up on my toes to deepen the kiss as I smooth my hands over the front of his shirt. _God I love Peter in the Summer._ Soft thin shirts I could _feel_ his muscles as if he were naked. _Oh, Peter naked.._ I though a tiny groan slipping past my lips and Peter chuckles.

 “Calm down _Lara Jean_ we’re in public.” He teased brushing his thumb along my jawline to trail softly over my bottom lip. “Let’s get you unpacked.” He smirked giving me a little pat on the butt to get me bouncing back into the house for my keys.

 We began to unload and clean my car, Trina helped a bit before she left to have a lunch date with some of her girlfriends. Kitty laid on the couch _managing_ before she got bored and headed off to one of her friend’s houses for some video games.

 I was cleaning out the center consul when I found the letter and stomach felt like it fell out my butt. Peter came bouncing out of the house when he froze his eyes darting from the letter I held tightly in my grasp back up to me. It took no longer than a second for him to wipe the express from his face wrapping me up in his arms and giving me a deep but swift open mouthed kiss.

 _“Peter-”_ I began softly but he cut me off pressing his lips to mine once more. I had to open it, I only had the Summer to get everything together if I was changing colleges but he drew me back in with a soft kiss.

 “Lara Jean.” He muttered his lips brushing against mine. He kept muttering my name as he pressed soft kisses to my lips until I felt a weight lift from my chest. But he didn’t stop even when he felt my shoulders drop he kept kissing me and I knew what this was.

 I was so caught up in my own emotions I didn’t realize he was soothing his own fears against my lips. I flash back to last night, the uneasy feeling presented as he was so naked with his emotions. I felt vulnerable to him, I wanted to rip it up and throw it away but that was just _stupid_. He waited patiently as I thumbed at the back of the letter.

 “Maybe we shoul-”

 “ _Lara Jean..”_ He pressed nodding his head to the letter because it was time. I exhaled a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding gliding my finger along the back the envelope tearing open easily. My heart was thrumming so loudly I couldn’t hear anything else. Why did I need to vomit? _Keep it together_. I sternly told myself as my trembled hands worked at the letter slowly unfolding it.

 I skimmed the words. _Wait what?_ I read it two, three, four more times as my brows furrowed and I didn’t understand. Suddenly I couldn’t ready because this can’t be right? _We regret to inform you…_

 I choked.

 I don’t remember the tears starting they were just there, the letter was no longer in my hands as Peter was reading it over and over the same expression painted over his features and a new one. _Fear?_ Peter was scared.

 “ _Lara Jean, please..”_ His words rang so clearly in my mind as I fought mentally to erase the last twenty-four hours and just go back. Please, let me go back. “We can still do this, we can’t make this wo-”

 I didn’t even realize I spoke before he did but now that I was conscious in my own body my lips formed words to my coherent mind.

 “ _No_ , I can’t _do this_ Peter. I can’t sit here and pretend everything is going to be _okay_.” Even as the words left my lips I didn’t mean a single one. I wanted to slap myself, _get over yourself_. I was taking it out on him. I was _blaming_ him for everything. If I couldn’t have UVA it felt like I couldn’t have Peter. I was never meant to go to UVA. Maybe I was never meant to be with Peter.

 “You don’t mean that.. _Lara Jean_..” He reached for me and I flinched. Why did I do that? I shied away shaking my head. “Whoa, whoa.. Wait, wait, _wait_..” He begged running down the pathway to my door. His hand grabbed at my wrist and I snatched it back as if he burned me.

 “We can’t do this! _I can’t do this_!” I screamed tears flooding my eyes, he was nothing more than a blur standing before me. I hated crying in front of Peter, I felt like a child blaming him for all my problems but what _did_ this mean for us?

 I wanted what was best for him, I wasn’t that. Stealing him from his friends, study sessions, late nights driving back to campus waking up at the crack of dawn a few hours later for practices. I was the reason he wore bags under his eyes. I was responsible for all his suffering, _I knew it_.

 “I can’t do two more years of this. I can’t have you and then lose you. I can’t- I don’t _deserve_ you. I don’t- I can’t! I just...” I let out a low growl of frustration because I was at war. I wanted to break down and beg him never to leave me. Sputter that I was sorry and that I meant _none of it_. But on the other hand I was over having him in seasons. I loved Fall, it was a staple and now I’ve never hated the bloom of flowers across the courtyard or the turning of Fall igniting across the branches of every tree outside my window. I _hated_ living in the seasons of Peter Kavinsky.

 “I’m done playing.. Playing phone tag and.. I just.. I don’t _want_ to hold you back. I’m holding you back I-.. I just..” I stuttered and did I just slap his hand away from my cheek? I scrub the bottom of my palm along my eyes filtering away the current onslaught of tears.

 There he was. I’ve never seen him so _broken_.

 “ _Peter_..” I mutter softly, so soft I thought the summer breeze would steal my breath.

 Swollen lips and flushed skin.. I could never forget him this way. Utterly and completely broken as he stood before me. I had his heart and I did this. Peter Kavinsky loved me and I ruined that, I was _always_ the one doing this. Every single time he had this expression it was because of me. If there was a list I’d be worse than his father. I’d broken something he’d held so dearly: _us_.

 “P-Peter wait I-… _PETER!”_ I took a few steps forward but he shrugged me off. My hand fell to my side stinging. No, no, _no_ I didn’t mean it. Peter, wait I didn’t mean it _please_ just turn around and look at me. I mentally begged shaking my head. Look at me if you love me. Look at me if you can forgive me. Just turn around. Please, just turn around. If you turn around I’ll take it all back, I’ll fix it, let me fix this..

 I could see his back go rigid fingers floating over the handle of his door every part of me bursting to scream his name again. Just _look at me_! I cried, fingers placed over my lips as I press tightly to hold back my sobs.

 He didn’t turn around.

 I stood in my front yard tears streaming down my cheeks as he drove off and I couldn’t breath. Doubling over in my own yard I vomited. I’ve never felt so sick in my entire life. Goosebumps trail up my arms as I tremble keys in hand bursting through the front door tripping out of my boots along the stairs.

 I could feel my gag reflex kicking up again from the back of my throat, I couldn’t get a single breath of air to come steady. I remember losing my mother, I was so young that I can’t _grasp_ the pain but there’s the ache. I can feel an ache so familiar but so different.

 Clenching my jaw I hold my breath fighting back a sob that was rippling through my chest. Rolling over I bury my face into a pillow my sobs causing my body to convulse as I grasp at the sheets trying desperately to hide my pain within the confides of the bed.

 Kicking I rip at the sheets tearing apart my bed stripping myself as I ball my fists throwing the sheets across the room. _JUST STOP!_ I mentally scream. My body is no longer my own, it belongs to my grief as I try to form a coherent thought my body acts upon itself.

 My eyes burned, I felt as if all the air was ripped from my body and I had nothing left to do. I _tried_ , God did I try so hard. I _needed_ him like I needed air in my lungs.

 I never in my life realized how weak I was without him here, he’d held me up for so long I couldn’t find the ground beneath me. Sucking in a shuttered breath I finally allow sound to break through my body. Thank God I’m alone.

 So many memories rush back as I roll over looking at the roof of my bedroom. _What have I done_? I mentally scream as I sit up in complete and utter panic my chest rising and falling so rapidly I felt as if my own heart was going to beat, beat, _beat_ right out of my chest.

 Grasping at my shirt I tugged as if it were strangling me because I just _couldn’t breath_. Falling back onto my bed I let out a loud gut wrenching sob.

 

 Here I lay a mess upon the bare fabric of my bed. I lay for hours, maybe? Sobbing so deeply letting out wails of despair as I tried to soothe my wounds.

 “Lara Jean?” A soft voice whispers from the door before I felt soft arms wrap around me spurring another round of tears to break free. “Oh.. _Lara Jean..”_ Daddy’s voice mutter as he pulled me into his arms holding me tightly in effort to still my trembles.

 “He’s gone daddy.. He’s- Peter’s _gone_..” I choke out gripping onto his shirt and I felt the soft soothing breathes of my father, “I didn’t get in- they don’t want me..” I pressed further snot running down over my lips.

 I never knew I could hurt this much.

 I didn’t realize how exhausted I was, daddy’s hand soothing brushed over my back and my eyelids swollen and tired fall closed. Something about this made me feel small again, like I was a child and he was soothing me over a scraped knee not a broken heart.

 I didn’t know I could cry so many tears. I curl up making myself as tiny as possible wanting so badly to go back to before all the heartache and the pain. Be little Lara Jean, before all the letters. Before Peter and his stupidly perfect self.

 Is this how Gen felt when he finally ended it? A part of me thought everyone could fall in love with Peter like this but then I realize no, Gen didn’t love him this way. She loved him in her own ways but they were never truly in love. This severity of heartbreak was solely my own.

 I was the reason two hearts were breaking tonight. Lara Jean Song-Covey did this all by herself.

* * *

 My body is stiff, I feel soft arms around me and a little body behind me. It was Kitty. She was curled up behind me taking up two thirds of my bed but still the fact that she was even there was a comfort through all the pain.

 “Lara Jean, go back to sleep.” She muttered softly through her own groggy syllables. I felt her soft hands brush through my hair gently the way I could remember Margot doing and Mom before when I was younger and upset.

 My eyes lid once more not allowing the pain in my chest to surface once more.

 I didn’t leave my room the next day not even when Margot came home with Ravi, as the sun peaked through my curtains Kitty pulled them tightly closed allowing me to wallow in my grief. “ _Only for today Lara Jean.”_ She pressed lightly before giving my hand a gentle squeeze. Kitty wasn’t very touchy but the fact that she was here the gentle look in her eyes spoke far more than she could express.

 After a few hours I told her to leave, I needed to be alone. Even in the darkness of my room the light peaked out through the corners of the curtains casting a soft glow over my mess. Peter was everywhere. His UVA Lacrosse hoodie draped over my desk, pictures of us delicately placed into frames litter across the distance of my bedroom.

 Margot came in to bring me food but the thought of eating made me gag. I could tell she wanted to stay, say something but I shook my head. She looked completely and utterly defeated as she exited my room. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything but cry, now I was breaking more than just two hearts because I could feel the grief weight the house down.

 I’ve never in my life turned Margot away, whenever I needed help or advice I _always_ went to her but I knew she just couldn’t help me right now- no one could. I didn’t want her to sit here and watch me wallow, the thought of it hurt. In the back of my mind I hoped she didn’t think I no longer needed her because I did- _I do_ but I just needed to be alone.

 Silent tears fell down my cheeks as I grasp at my phone. I had a voicemail from Peter, my heart skipped a beat but I saw the time was placed before our fight. It must have been while I was driving home from campus yesterday.

 I stare at the voicemail my fingers trembling. I craved to hear his voice, his _unbroken_ voice but I didn’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to hear Peter tell me he loves me, because I know he said it.

 I drag myself out of bed leaving my phone to shower. I turned the water on as hot as I could bare and stood there allowing the water to beat down on my skin until it was raw and red. I went through the motions before wrapping a towel around myself neglecting to look in the mirror.

 It was so mechanical and embedded into me that I felt like I went into autopilot. Everything I’d grow so accustom to doing I did. I applied my face routine all while avoiding the mirror and braided my wet hair back into a loose braid.

 Shuffling back to my room I noticed the bed was freshly made and a new hot bowl of soup rest on my dresser. Trina was so good, ever since she fell into our lives she’s been nothing but amazing. Piecing into our lives in ways we didn’t even know we needed. I slid into a large sweater and some shorts before falling face first into my fresh sheets.

 I allow myself to lay this way until I couldn’t possibly hold my breath any longer. Gasping for air I turn my face to the side to see Kitty standing there picking at her fingernails a saddened expression painted over her face. I’ve never seen Kitty so broken up over me.

 “C’mer Kitten.” I croak forcing myself to sit up as she slides into my bed a weary smile over her lips.

 “Owen called while you were in the shower.” She whispered softly sliding my phone into my hands. “I didn’t know if I should answer it so I let it go to voicemail.” She explained carefully trying her best not to set me off. “Margot and Daddy went to go get some pizza… Maybe you can come down?” She asked hopeful her eyes so wide.

 “Yeah, maybe.” I muttered softly my voice hoarse from crying. Casting my eyes downwards I slide over to my voicemail and there were now two messages one from Peter and one from his younger brother, my heart clenched with hope but then I remembered how awful I was to him. Was Peter okay? Was Owen calling me to yell at me? A million and ten questions popped into my head before it all boiled down to one.

_What in the world was on those voicemails?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate myself. This hurt a lot. I hope you guys enjoyed this I'm already working on the next Chapter so it should be up in a day or two please don't give up I promise I'll fix it, lol.
> 
> This chapter was inspired by:  
> Lost Without You - Freya Ridings  
> Iris - The Goo Goo Dolls  
> Science - Folly and the Hunter


	4. Waves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Song girls have a heart-to-heart, Lara Jean finally explains why she freaked out & of course the voicemails.

  Margot sat next to me on the bed, I didn’t know what time it was but there was no light peaking through my curtains anymore. I ended up going downstairs but five minutes of watching everyone else eat pizza led me to go back upstairs. They were being so cautious around me, as if any moment I would break and they weren’t wrong.

 Margot followed me upstairs and I was grateful because she was the only one I felt like I could actually talk to about this. She knew heartbreak, she knew the pain of loss in some ways more than I did.

 “What happened?” Margot pressed her fingers softly dragging through my hair as I curl up my head in her lap. “I thought you two were okay?” She added after a soft beat of silence.

 “I didn’t get into UVA.” I whispered and I had to focus all my energy into not crying again. I couldn’t fathom the reason why I was reject. It was like senior year all over again and suddenly we had a million and ten reason separating us.

 “ _We’re you and me. And yeah, it’s gonna be hard. But Lara Jean, I’ll never feel for another girl what I feel for you.”_ I couldn’t remember Peter’s words as if they were spoken just moments before. We were at Trina and Daddy’s wedding and he came. He made the huge leap of faith and he made sure we made it this far through college. _Peter_ was always the one fighting for me- for us.

 A tightening in my chest lead me to grip onto the soft cotton of Margot’s shirt. “So I…” I began but what was I supposed to say? “I _fucking_ lost it.” I never curse. I _never_ curse. I always reprimanded Peter when he cursed but I did. “ _I fucked up_.” I repeated and I could feel Margot flinch as I spoke, I know she’s heard worse but never from me.

 She was silent as I exhale a soft breath pulling myself from her lap crossing my legs my back to the edge of the bed as I busy myself with the strings at the hem of my sweater.

 “So you fought, Lara Jean _obviously_ you aren’t anywhere near over Peter so what’s stopping you from talking to him?” Margot asked her tone was serious but voice light. She always had this was of being so level headed in ways I could never be.

 “You know Ravi and I fight all the time,” she shrugged matter-of-factually reaching over to intertwine her fingers in my own, “you know why that’s okay?” She asked in a way I knew she wasn’t _exactly_ asking me a question. I just shook my head.

 “It’s because _we care,_ if you don’t care why would you be so passionate? If we never fought each other it mean’s there’s no passion left. Complacency is the death of relationships because you’re just moving through the motions doing _whatever_. I fought with Ravi about my work visa, I wanted to come home and never go back because I was _scared_ about what would happened if they denied me. But where would Ravi and I be?” And it all made sense, she fought Ravi because she was scared of what would happen and I fought Peter because I didn’t know what this all meant.

 “You yelled at him because you’re scared,” leaning down she caught my eye with the softest of smiles, “and its _okay_ to be scared. You love him and you don’t want this all to end so _don’t let it_.” Tightening her grip on my hand she pulled me forward into her chest and I sank into her soaking in the warmth of her touch.

 I missed Margot, it was like a part of me was gone and without her I didn’t know how to deal with things like this. She was only two years older than me but so much wiser, like she’s lived two lives and I was still back here trying to navigate mine.

 “Lara Jean what do you want?” She finally asked after I realized we’d been sitting in silence for a few minutes.

 “Peter,” I immediately responded without a second of hesitation, “I don’t care where I go to school or what happens I just want to be with Peter.” I spoke for the first time since yesterday with certainty.

 “So why did you tell him you didn’t?” I knew what she was trying to do, she was trying to psychoanalyze me, help me realize what was _really_ wrong. But I already knew what was wrong, I didn’t need some huge realization.

 “Kitty.” I simply said turning my eyes towards the door where I saw her little brunette head pop out a look of soft shame over her features as she realized she was caught. Even after all this time Kitty was still as nosy as ever.

 “Come here,” I waved and she quickly bounced into the room curling up into Margot’s side. “if I tell you something it’s a Song girl secret.” I said my voice stern as I check both Margot and Kitty’s eyes. They both nodded in agreement although there was a little mischievous glint in Kitty’s, _as always_.

 “I was scared, I _am_ scared that by not getting into UVA Peter was going to realize that…” Exhaling a deep breath I swallow hard remembering back momentarily to just a few short months ago.

 

 

* * *

 

 I was sitting on Peter’s bed my legs crossed as I flipped through one of my school books. I wasn’t exactly paying attention to what I was reading because Peter was _so distracting_. I could smell the scent of freshly cut grass wafting from where he was standing at his closet collecting clothes. I’d surprised driving all the way down after classes and waited for him after practice.

 It had been two weeks since we’d seen each other last and I was over to moon to be even sitting in the same room as him. With a soft kiss he promised, “ _Five minutes, Covey and you’re mine.”_ With a wink he bounced out of the room with a special skip in his step towards the bathroom. I heard the shower running and I sighed tossing my book to the side.

 Standing up I walked around his small room fingers gliding over his desk stopping to smile at the scrapbook that was still on full view. The cover was their ‘Sixteen Candles’ picture and the sight of it made her heart skip. _I really don’t deserve you Peter Kavinsky._

 Opening the closet I stepped closer the smell of his cologne and freshly washed clothing surrounding me. Closing my eyes I leaned forward hugging at his clothes and _this was weird_. I was _smelling_ my boyfriend’s clothing. Yup, this would be a _terrible_ time for Peter to walk in. As I pulled back one of his shirts nicked onto the pin on my belt tugging the rack slightly and a box fell knocking me in the head.

 “ _Ow…”_ I Groaned rubbing at my head as my eyes fell to the small box resting between my feet and froze. I could just leave it there or put it back and shut the door, I _should_ put it back but it was _calling_ me. Taunting me gently and I debated it for all of a few seconds before snatching it up off the floor.

 _Relax, it can’t be…_ I calmed myself exhaling a soft breath before I popped the box open and choked on my own spit. I was hacking up a lung when I heard the water stop running. Tear’s streaming down my cheeks as I continued to try and remedy my cough I shoved the box under the bed sheet as he walked in his eyes wide.

 “ _Covey, whoa, whoa, whoa!”_ He ran over and swiftly knocked me on the back a few times as I wiped at my eyes thankful I wore waterproof mascara. “Are you okay?!” He asked worry written all over his features as his eyes danced along my body trying to determine if I was hurt or not.

 Waving my hand in the air I nodded my head giving a watery smile, “Just choked on my spit,” I explained lamely as he burst into laughter shaking his head. “ _Jesus,_ Covey.” He muttered under his breath as he walked to the closet pulling on some clothes but my eyes were on the small lump in the mattress beside my leg.

 Rose gold pear shaped diamond ring with a leaf design going along the band. It was probably the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen but Peter wouldn’t just happen to have this ring for no reason. Men don’t just keep expensive diamond rings in their closet. At least I think they don’t.

 Peter trailed back over to me his hand leaning down over the box and I frantically swiped his hand away causing us to knock heads a loud groan falling from both our lips. “ _Lara Jean..”_ He huffed rubbing at his head as he looked over at me, my eyes wide in fear a pout over my lips. Chuckling he grabbed my hands pulling me up to him easily allowing me to stumble into his chest.

 “I’m sorry,” I soft muttered before leaning up on my toes pulling him down into a soft kiss. For the rest of the weekend all I could think about was that ring. Every time he looked at me endearingly my heart leap out of my chest because _what if that’s an engagement ring?_ I mean of course it’s an engagement ring but what if he asked me to marry him?

 Months pasted and every time I went back to his dorm I couldn’t bring myself to look in the closet because I was scared it would be there just _taunting me_. Weighing heavier and heavier on my chest because what if he was waiting until we moved in together? _Everything_ road on me getting into UVA.

 

* * *

 “ _Wait_ , you’re telling me that Peter’s had an engagement ring in his closet for months?” Margot asked puzzled and Kitty snorted. “Why aren’t we asking why she was sniffing his clothes?” She cackled and my heart skipped because I loved being here with them.

 

 “ _Yup_ ,” I popped exhaling a deep breath before grabbing my pillow and tucking it tightly to my chest, “when I didn’t make the transfer I just saw it all going down the drain.” It was a weight of my shoulders, _no one_ knew about the ring. I’ve been silently obsessing over it for months and now I finally got to tell the two people I cared about the most.

 Margot was in shock, for the first time I’ve seen her at a loss for words. Usually she knew exactly what to say so I was more than just a little bit worried. “Are you? Uh, _wow_. Lara Jean are you- would you say yes?” She finally collected, I could tell her mind was in a million different places and I was mentally preparing myself for one of her Margot speeches.

 “Yes,” I said in absolute certainty before quickly adding, “but I wouldn’t marry him until after college.” And I could see the tension release from her shoulders. “It’s just the thought that Peter, he loves he so much that he’d actually want to marry me. Like he’s _thought_ about this.” I explained shaking my head as I stare at my wall but my mind was so much further than it. “I’ve always had this feeling that Peter’s loved me more than I love him and that’s terrifying because he’s always been _so sure_. He was sure he loved me, sure that we could make this work, and now he’s kinda sorta at leas sure enough to buy an engagement ring?”

 My cheeks burned hotly as my eyes widened, “Oh my _God_ what if it’s not an engagement ring?! What if I’m overreacting?!” Kitty began to cackle and Margot looked at me with an expression that could only be read as, _Lara Jean **seriously**. _ And yeah, I knew exactly what that ring was but something inside of me was telling me I was overreacting.

 “Have you ever thought that maybe he bought that ring on a whim because it reminded him of you but he wasn’t planning on using it anytime soon?” And yeah, that sounded so much like Peter. He’d give me the cutest things when he’d come to visit. Once he brought me this cute old jewelry box he’d saw at a thrift shop one day because it reminded him of me. “I’m not trying to be rude and ruin this fantasy of yours but from what I’ve seen he can be very spontaneous.” Margot added with a small shrug.

 I wasn’t offended I was embarrassed because Margot could have been right, well was more than likely right. The way Peter worked was so enigmatic, sometimes even still he did things that blew my mind like despite knowing him like the back of my hand there was still _so much_ about him I yearned to know.

 “So Lara Jean,” Kitty began rubbing her hands together, “did you ever listen to those voicemails?”

 “What voicemails?” Margot said in exact time as I groaned Kitty’s name.

 “Oh, just a voicemail from Peter and his brother she’s been sulking about.” She stated cheekily with a smile firmly over her lips. “You have a voicemail from Peter and you haven’t listened to it?!” Margot asked exasperated.

 “The one from Peter was before we fought! It’s probably something about catching lunch or wondering when I would be home…” I tried to defend myself but I realize I I was hoarding the message. I didn’t want to listen because once it was over then so were we, he was not going to be calling me with another one of those messages it was just this last one.

 Kitty sighed as she rolled her eyes, “Okay but what about the one from Owen? How do you know something didn’t happen to Peter if you don’t listen?” She asked smoothly but her tone held a certain tell. It was almost as if she’d already known what was on the message, Kitty had a knack for always being two steps ahead of everyone else.

 “Lara Jean you have to listen to the messages.” Margot added simply before holding out her hand and I grasped my phone holding it close to my chest like a child unwilling to share. “ _Lara Jean_ ,” she began in her stern voice and I knew any fight I put up was futile.

 With a long pause I finally held my phone to Margot because I didn’t have the nerve to listen press it myself. But Margot didn’t take it and when Kitty tried to swipe it Margot gently tapped her hand away with a signature look. Kitty pouted but Margot turned back to me. “You have to do this yourself Lara Jean, we can’t do this for you. If you want to work things out with Peter you have to do it yourself.”

 Deep down I knew she was right but this felt cruel. She pulled me into another tight hug before nudging Kitty, “We’ll be downstairs watching Golden Girls and eating some popcorn.” Kitty called out as Margot pushed her out the door gently shutting it behind her. Once again I was alone but this time I felt uneasy.

 Leaning back I forgot I was on the edge of my bed and fell letting out a loud squeal as I topped back onto the carpet. I deserved that, thanks karma.

 I lay there for awhile staring at my ceiling and it felt so familiar, I could remember laying down here when I needed to think and it had that same magical effect to clear my mind. I pulled out my phone and stare at the voicemails my heart thrumming in my chest. My finger hovers over the one from Owen but I knew which one I needed to listen to first, my finger softly tapped the screen.

 “ _Covey! I know you’re driving but I have an idea, well not so much an idea as I decided you owe me a date. You probably won’t hear this until tonight so perfect timing. Tomorrow it’s you and me Covey, I love you.”_ Peter’s voice was so enthusiastic and bright, I wanted to reach through the phone and pull this Peter into existence here with me now. I didn’t even realize I was crying, I missed him with every fiber of my being. My body felt empty without him like my soul was ripped from my body and floating somewhere out in the universe.

 “ _Lara Jean its Owen… Uh, I wouldn’t be calling if it wasn’t- well Peter came home today and he’s not acting normal. He trashed his room and then left and hasn’t been home since. I was able to get mom off his back but he’s pretty bad Lara Jean. I usually don’t mettle in your guy’s relationship but you need to fix this, talk to him or something he’ll listen to you.”_

Sitting up so quickly I gave myself a head rush I dialed Owen’s number my heart thrumming in my chest. _C’mon, pick up…_ I jumped up as soon as Owen picked up my voice frantic, “ _Please_ tell me he came home last night.” I begged my voice hopeful.

 There was a long pause and a sigh on the other end my heart dropping to my stomach, “No, I thought maybe you found him?” There was a shuffle on the other line but she wasn’t paying attention as she yanked on a pair of shorts the phone squished between her shoulder and cheek. “Maybe I should call mom she’s be-”

 “No, Owen just give me,” my eyes frantically flickered over to my desk with my alarm was, “three hours. If I can’t find him in three hours you can tell your mom but _please_ just give me three hours to find him.” I begged my voice hopeful

 Owen signed once more, “Okay Lara Jean but you gotta fix this, he’s not in good shape when he left I covered him with mom but if she finds out…” He didn’t have to finish, we both knew it wouldn’t be good. I didn’t need to give her another reason to hate me and I appreciated that Owen gave me the chance to fix things before involving their mom.

 I thanked him a few more times before hanging up and rushing down the stairs, everyone watched me with wide eyes as I shoved my feet into the first pair of shoes I could find. Kitty’s converse, of course but I didn’t care. “I gotta go, be home before curfew, love you guys bye!” I called out snatching my keys out of the bowl by the door and I was gone.

 There were only a few places Peter could be and I hoped with everything that I’d be able to find him. Dialing his phone in the car it went to voicemail after a few rings. _That hurt_. I called again and it went straight to voicemail and I knew he was mad and he had every right to be but I wasn’t going to let this be over.

 It was my turn to fight for us, I was going to be the one who was confident and soothed his feelings. For once I wanted to be the one who was sure and I was going to get Peter Kavinsky back.

 I checked three places before I found him, I don’t know why I thought to check here but I was glad I did. As soon as I pulled up to the school his Audi was the only car in the parking lot. The night was dark as the moon was hidden behind a few clouds but I jumped out of the car rushing towards the lacrosse field. I’ve been here once before and my heart thrummed in my chest as I saw a figure standing in the middle of the field.

 I all but ran until I reached a few feet from him and stopped watching as he thrust his hands forward the stick tight within his grasp as he shot a ball into the net a quarter way down the field.

 “Peter,” I began softly and his whole body tensed, the muscles in his back rippling along his shirt, “Peter _look at me_.” I begged my fingers tightly balled up at my sides.

 Silence fell over us as he waited, almost as if he was weighing his pros and cons before he turned to look at me with a blank expression painted over his features. He was guarded, Peter had to guard himself from me. Whatever was left of my heart felt like it shattered. “Lara Jean just-”

 “ _No_ , Peter Kavinsky you’re going to listen to me.” I said my voice holding as much conviction as I could muster. “You’re going to let me speak and then once I’m done and _only_ once I’m done you can speak.” I said finding it difficult to breath my chest rising and falling rapidly.

 He didn’t speak, for a moment I thought he was going to turn around but his expression softened. Tilting his head down just the slightest his eyes trailed up to meet mine forehead crinkling just under the soft curls that fell downward sticking to his skin. A gentle upturn of his eyebrow let me know he was listening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs that inspired this chapter:  
> Waves - Dean Lewis  
> Six Feet Under - Billie Eilish  
> Make It To Me - Sam Smith  
> Missed - Ella Henderson  
> I Found - Amber Run
> 
> Sooooo, I extended the fanfic by two chapters I hope you guys don't mind. Thank you for the comments and kudos thus far! I really, really, really, appreciate it. I hope you guys are loving this fic as much as I love writing it.


	5. Never Getting Over You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lara Jean spills her heart out to Peter & Margot get's a surprise.

 Swallowing a lump in my throat I dared another step closer to him and when he didn’t move back I took it as a sign. _Start talking_ , I mentally reprimanded myself but there he was standing here bathed in the moonlight.

 “I love you, Peter Kavinsky,” I began testing the waters trying to decode the features of his face, the smallest of twitches from his lips encouraged me, “I _love_ how patient you are and that you’re _always_ willing to drive all the way down to see me on the weekends. I love that you never complain when I tell you I can’t make it up because of a test and that you always understand that life get’s in the way.”

 Exhaling a soft breath I nibble at my lip because if I kept going this route we’d stand here forever as I spouted off all the things I love about him, so I decided to change my approach.

 “I hate that I’m not as patient as you, that I’m so easily swayed when something get’s in the way of us. I don’t have the confidence you do and I don’t think I was cut out for all this _drama.”_ Even though the drama is all mine. “It’s like life is throwing one thing after another at us and every single time I dodge a bullet it’s like I get punched in the gut.” I explained my hands wildly moving about in the air.

 “There is nothing in this world I want more than to be with you, Peter. The past day has been one of the worst days of my life. I can’t believe I’ve been so blind to how much you do for me, I feel _so stupid_ that I thought I could actually be without you. I didn’t get out of bed and my family is looking at me like I’m going to break and _I did_.” I pressed taking another step towards him and if I wasn’t paying such close attention to his every move I would have missed the way his fingers twitched.

 “I don’t want you to be fighting for us anymore, not by yourself. I did it, I woke up and I _promise_ you that I’ll do whatever it takes to make us work. I’ll drive up to see you more and make a better effort to be at your games screaming my head off even though I don’t know what’s going on.” I promised my voice raising as I spoke because Margot was right there _was_ passion. “I’m going to fight for you Peter Kavinsky because I’ll never love a boy the way I love you. You’re _it_ for me. You’re in here,” I raise a hand to gently rest over my heart, “and you take up so much space there’s never going to be room for anyone else and I don’t _care_ because I don’t want anyone. I want you.”

 There was a silence weighing down over up for a moment and when he didn’t speak I had to tell him why I did this, he deserved an explanation.

 “I didn’t know how you can be so confident in us, it’s like you can see ten miles out and I was always so near sighted staring at all the obstacles in front of us.” I mutter my heart racing, “When I found out I didn’t make it into UVA I panicked, I thought everything was going to end because…” Exhaling a deep breath I pushed the next words out through a watery tone, “I found the ring, Peter and it’s been weighing on me for _months_ because how can you be so confident to want to marry me and… Why are you looking at me like that?” I mutter my voice suddenly incredibly self conscious as I wrap my arms around myself from the soft chill of the summer night breeze.

 “What ring, Lara Jean?” Peter asked and the expression across his face was one of pure confusion. I sputtered suddenly feeling incredibly offended that he couldn’t remember the gorgeous diamond _engagement ring_ sitting in his dorm room closet.

 “The ring! Rose gold pear shaped diamond engagement ring with the leaf design! I found it Peter stop playing dumb…” I huffed because _why_ in the world would he be making me feel stupid. I saw it, the least he could do is own up to it.

 It was like a light went on and his face illuminated in recognition, “ _Lara Jean…”_ He began and his tone was soft but I could feel the pity intertwined within his words. “That ring wasn’t for you,” he began slowly and my face igniting so hotly I felt like I could melt right there, “I went to a estate sale a few hours away for my mom to pick it up along with a bunch of other things and I forgot it was in my pocket. I put it in my closet for safe keeping and gave it to her that Monday.” He explained.

 I sputtered feeling like I literally just pooped my stomach out. “No, no I?” Felt like the biggest idiot on the face of the Earth. All that pressure weighing down on the relationship? My imagination. I’d allowed my imagination to run wild and blamed Peter for my own insecurities. He doesn’t want to marry me and now I look desperate.

 “Lara Jean I’m sorry if you got the wrong idea.” Peter began shaking his head slowly, “I didn’t have an engagement ring, at least I didn’t actually have one with the intention of proposing. We’ve been so busy with school I hadn’t even thought of it- _no_ , Lara Jean I don’t mean I’ve never thought of marrying you- _please_ , stop crying…” He sighed taking a step closer to me and I didn’t step away I just sunk into myself because I felt _so ridiculous._

 His hands encompass my shoulders as he drew me into him and for the first time since before we fought I could feel myself relax fully. It was so mind boggling how being with Peter made me feel so confident and so insecure at the same time. I was always confident in Peter’s love for me but so insecure about my own standing in deserving him. I didn’t deserve him and I realized that even more as he held me now.

 Just a day ago I shattered him and here he was comforting me because I was upset that he didn’t have an engagement ring? I should feel relieved because that meant that nothing’s changed. But instead I felt bitter, more so towards myself for allowing my own mind to weave a stupid tale of Peter actually being _this_ spontaneous.

 “Peter,” I muttered rolling my head back keeping my cheek pressed to the warmth of his chest as I met his beautiful eyes with my own watery ones, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry I was so insecure in your feelings for me. I feel like I don’t deserve you and I never will but you-” A soft _mmphh_ left my lips as he pressed his own down over mine. Pushing him back a firm pout over my lips, “ _Peter Kavinksy_ I’m trying to tell you I’m sorry! Just let me-!” He didn’t let me finish.

 His lips were urgent over mind, hands tangling up in my hair and pressed firmly at my lower back pulling me impossibly closer. Parting his lips he further deepened the kiss, the hot warmth of his body beckoning me as I tangled my own fingers within the soft tussle of curls pulling him downward fiercely kissing him back.

 There was no doubt, no taunting feeling in the pits of my stomach it was just _warmth_. Peter pressed me into the cool blades of grass and I was probably going to hell because it should be a sin to love Peter this way. No, I was _positive_ being with him this way had to be a sin because he was all love and passion and I drank it up like a cool bottle of water on a heated summer day.

 I gave myself all of him, marked his skin and allowed him to do the same to me. Peter Kavinsky was _mine_ and I was one hundred percent all his. I turned myself over allowing him to take every piece of me greedily soaking all of it up as I taste the salt across his chest my fingers lingering along his skin and it _burned_. It was like he was the fire and I was gasoline because with every moan slipping past my lips he pushed harder and faster and _deeper_.

 I, Lara Jean Song-Covey, drove Peter Kavinsky absolutely crazy and he drove me insane. We had a million and ten reasons why we should give up but it only took one simple fact to keep us together- there was no love like the one we had. I could see the future for the first time and it was so clear because it was Peter.

 

* * *

 Owen called and I told him everything was fine, it was better than fine because Peter was here and everything was right again.

 

 I eyed the time as I hung up with Owen and noticed it was half an hour to one, curfew was a foreign concept after two years in college but under daddy’s roof I obeyed his rules if only to keep his mind at ease.

 “I have to get home.” I soft spoke rolling over resting my body over Peter staring up at him gently. “And I owe your brother a lifetime of baked goods.” I added a light laughter coming from Peter giving me a little big of a shake as I lay atop him.

 “You’re baking him cookies for the rest of his life because he didn’t snitch?” He teased quirking a perfectly smooth eyebrow at me. Even though he was teasing me he knew how much I cared about his mother’s opinion and the last thing I needed was all the progress we made over the past two years to go down the drain.

 “ _No_ , I’m baking him cookies for the rest of his life because,” I trailed off with a huff before rolling my eyes, “so _what_ if I’m repaying him for not selling me out to your mom.” Smacking at his chest lightly I sat back on my knees pulling my shirt back over my head brushing my fingers through my hair pulling it into a loose bun to keep it off my neck.

 Leaning up on his elbows Peter kept his gaze set on me a soft smile pressing over his lips, “Lara Jean about the ring,” he began but I, very unattractively, squawked jumping forward pressing my fingers over his mouth eyes wide.

 “ _Absolutely not Peter Kavsinky.”_ I warned feeling like I was gonna vomit from embarrassment, for as long as I live I don’t want to hear about that damn ring _ever again_. “I have to get home so daddy and Trina don’t worry and _you’re_ going to go home and thank Owen for me. And what we’re not going to do is ever talk about the ring again.” I pressed my eyes begging and he just laughed sitting up so he could pull my fingers from his lips gently kissing the pads of them.

 “Yes ma’am.” He teased sending my heart into a flutter.

 “I don’t deserve you Peter Kavinsky, you’re too good for me.” I whisper leaning forward to press a slew of soft kisses over his lips and cheeks.

 “Don’t you have to be somewhere?” He teased but his tone was weak as I kissed over his jawline. With a little hum I leaned back pulling myself onto my feet brushing the little blades of grass from my legs.

 “Call me when you get home?” I asked softly, so softly that I thought he might not have heard me but his smile grew as he pulled himself up bundling up his t-shirt in hand wiping the sweat from his chest.

 “Last time I checked, _Covey,_ it was in the contract that _you_ are supposed to be the one calling me before bed.” And in that moment I knew, _God_ I knew that Peter forgave me. My heart swelled within my chest as I bounced forward capturing his lips in mine grinning against him.

 “And every single night after.” I promised lingering a little too long as I helped him collect his things before walking me to my car.

 We kissed again and again and again and if it wasn’t for that damn curfew I might have just stayed here all night with him. Peter in the summer was always my favorite, he was so warm and gentle.

 “Goodnight Lara Jean.” He grinning shutting my door taking a step back as he watched me drive out of the parking lot.

_I love you, Peter Grant Kavinsky and I hope you never forget it._

 When I arrived to the house everyone was waiting up, my cheeks flushed a deep red as I stare at them all eyes on me. I had been so wrapped up on Peter I’d completely forgotten the rushed fashion in which I left.

 “ _Lara Jean!”_ Kitty huffed rushing over to the door, “You got grass all over my new shoes!” She groaned picking them up her lower lip puckering out into a pout. I would have felt bad but I couldn’t bring myself to empathize with her. “You’re cleaning them tomorrow.” She said sternly but a twinkle in her eyes told me she wasn’t _that_ mad.

 Thanks to Kitty the mood in the room lightened and I promised Daddy and Trina I would talk to them tomorrow and that was the lightest I’d seen Daddy in days. They went off to bed leaving us Song girls sitting on the couch.

 Ravi was upstairs sleeping, Margot said she rushed him off hours ago when he passed out watching Quantico with them. So it was just us and it feels like we’ve come full circle and in a weird roundabout way we have.

 “ _Talk_ Lara Jean!” Margot exclaimed in a hushed but very eager tone.

 “I talked with Peter and,” I bit my lip to stop myself from smiling but they both knew. Of course they knew because they were my sisters and they read my like a book, “everything is fine. I told him everything and…” I groaned my shoulders dropping as I felt the embarrassment bubble over me.

 “And…” Margot and Kitty pressed both of them at the edge of their seat because they wanted to know. The ring.

 “It wasn’t an engagement ring- at least it wasn’t for me,” I said my cheeks heating up as I finally spoke the words, “he got it for his mom’s shop and forgot to give it to her. It wasn’t for me.” And they laughed, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Kitty laugh so hard she double over _and_ fell off the couch.

 “ _Lara Jean thought he was going to propose and- and it was just a ring for his mom’s shop.”_ She repeated through her loud roar of laughter. I grabbed a nearby pillow and smacked both of them with it because _how rude_ of them to laugh at my embarrassment. And so they grabbed their pillows and just like old times the Song girls laughed and played. We all fell asleep a pile on the floor watching The Breakfast Club.

 Kitty was the first to fall asleep right in my lap and just before both of us fell asleep I heard Margot whisper to me, “I’m so proud of you, Lara Jean.” And I fell asleep with a smile on my face because everything was just right.

 I woke up the next day to the familiar smell of bacon and the soft sizzle as it cooked in the pan. I was home and all felt right in the world. With a soft groan I sat up rubbing at my eyes as I yawned my legs stretching out before me. Kitty was balled up with a throne of pillows around her still serenely asleep.

 I guess Ravi and Margot hadn’t noticed I was awake because there they stood in the kitchen so _domestic_. The way her eyes so bright looked up to him as he spoke and maybe I hoped that’s the way Peter and I looked because it was so beautiful. The way his hand came up to brush a splatter of pancake batter from her cheek and she just lit up.

 I sat there watching because this was so much better than any book I could ever read because it was _real_ domestic bliss. Margot’s eyes widened as she looked over at me and I blushed because I was caught literally creepily watching my sister and her boyfriend.

 “Lara Jean! Come help with the pancakes.” Margot said brightly and I obliged helping them stack pancakes high upon a plate as Margot set the table.

 “So Lara Jean,” Ravi began in his posh British accent, “I may need your help with surprise if you’re up for it.” I brightened because I was _always_ up for a surprise especially if it had to do with a certain tiny sister of mine.

 Ravi caught me later while Margot was at the store shopping, he explained to me that he’d already asked our Daddy’s permission and I already knew. As he pulled the tiny little box from his pocket I squealed slapping him on the arm harder then intended but he laughed.

 “I know there’s nothing in this world more important to Margot than her family so I wanted to ask if you would all accompany me.”

 “Of course!” I squeal again clapping my hands together because in my eyes there’s no one more deserving of a Happily Ever After than Miss Margot Song Covey.

 It happened that night, we were all huddled under the pier as we saw them walking along the beach. I flashed back to Daddy’s proposal to Trina and for a moment I yearned for Peter to be here like he was last time, sharing this amazing moment with our family. But I quickly pushed that thought aside because this wasn’t about me.

 It was such a beautiful night as the waves softly brush up on the shore. He’d taken Margot to a beautiful gallery before a dinner at a very elegant and lavish restaurant. She wore a gorgeous paled pink off the shoulder romper that pinched in at the waist with ruffles down just above her knee and it was softly fluttering in the beach breeze. She was a vision walking towards us and just within earshot I could hear him. It was the most beautiful speech I think I’ve ever heard, partly because of that damn accent, and then he dropped to a knee.

 I’d never seen Margot so happy as we all rushed out to her pulling her into hugs and all three of us Song girls cried. So did Daddy and Trina and I don’t think Daddy would have wanted her with any other guy because the way he smiled and shook Ravi’s hand made me realize he trusted him so fully with his first born. His first baby girl. I could see a part of his heart breaking tonight but in any way a man’s heart breaks when his daughter grows up.

 “I’m so happy for you Gogo.” I whispered in her ear and Margot was _beaming,_ in that moment I realized that I wouldn’t have wanted Peter to propose. I don’t want a ring yet because I just want it to be us as we are. I wanted to live with him and have that domestic bliss that Ravi and Margot have before we add pressure. Here she stood as always teaching me life lessons and through everything she’s done showing me what I truly want in life.

 We all celebrated on the beach before Ravi and Margot slipped away to the hotel he booked for a night alone. I pulled Daddy into a tight hug with Kitty on the other side and we watched as our Margot rush off happily with her _fiance_. Resting my head on his arm I sighed softly giving him a soft squeeze.

 “Can we have another dog now?” And Kitty, dear Kitty, was so unbelievable sometimes but it was enough to send Daddy and Trina into a fit of laughter. Her eyes twinkled as Daddy gave her a fond look and I knew Kitty was taking care of Daddy in our absence.

 Once we all settled in at home I called Peter full of energy and when he answered my heart soared. “Lara Jean?” He questioned his voice thick with sleep and it was only in this moment that I realized it was after midnight. “Oh my God Peter I’m so sorry! I didn’t even realize how late it was.” I apologized quickly but he just chuckled softly and I could feel the soft flutter in my stomach.

 “What’s up Covey?” He asked with a soft shuffle of his sheets alerting me to the fact that he was now sitting up and giving me his full attention. So I told him everything, all about Margot and Ravi and how perfect everything was even mentioning how I saw them this morning in their domestic mushiness. I gushed about how I believed their lives would be overseas and how many babies I bet they would have and he listened to every word.

 When I finished and the excitement wore off I finally felt the sleepiness coax me into laying down with a soft yawn. “Goodnight Peter…” I muttered softly as my eyes began to slip shut to my familiar lullaby of his soft breathing on the other line. “Lara Jean will you go on a date with me tomorrow?” He asked and I just hummed happily curling up to the phone I had against my ear.

 “I love you, Covey.” I heard him softly whisper into the phone just as I fell asleep a smile engraved in my lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Breathe - Lauv   
> Never Getting Over You - Colbie Caillat  
> Patient - Charlie Puth
> 
> I love romantic fluff and while I couldn't give you a Covinksy proposal I do belive a Mavi proposal is just as sweet. One more chapter and guys I'm not sure I'm ready to let this fic go but I'm so incredibly happy that I've gotten to put this down into words. I'm getting emotional, I'm sorry.


	6. Dusk Till Dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kitty's a heathen, Peter's perfect & everything is so damn domestic.

 My phone rang from where it was perched next to me on my pillow. Groaning I curled my fingers under the device and launched it off the bed rolling over into the cool side of my bed except my bed was nor cool or plush. Slapping my hand down onto the warm hard body next to me I huffed because it was _too damn early for this_.

 A low chuckle rumbled from the chest below me and breathing in a soft breath I could smell Peter’s cologne. I curled into the familiar scent keep my eyes closed so he didn’t get any ideas about me being awake, even though I was.

 “Lara Jean it’s noon,” he simply stated amusement littering his tone, “and we have a date so unless you’d like me to carry you downstairs like this I suggest you wake up.” And I was awake but not without protest. I only need four or five kisses until I rolled out of bed rushing off to the bathroom to shower.

 It was so strange how everything was changing and yet felt so incredibly familiar. Margot was getting married, Kitty was starting eighth grade, but I was still with Peter and on track to graduate at UNC. Same old Lara Jean.

 While in the bathroom I dabbed just the tiniest bit of eye shadow over my eye and applied a generous layer of mascara before gliding some gloss over my lips. Drying my hair as much as I could I scooped it back into a a high ponytail. _Of course_ , I was in such a hurry to gather everything I’d forgotten to grab the denim skirt I knew was resting right on top of my desk.

 Poking my head out the door I listened for any sign of Daddy or Trina but I knew they were out and about especially if Peter was right about the time. Listening more intently I waited, Kitty was harder because like just her namesake she was sneaky as ever. When I found the coast to be clear I pushed out the bathroom and honestly what I was I kidding?

 “ _Lara Jean!”_ Kitty squealed her eyes wide but amusement playing over her lips, “That’s a good look.” She snickered leaning onto the railing of the stairs quirking an eyebrow at me with that same old mischievous look.

 “I wonder what Daddy would say if he knew you were in your underwear walking around with Peter home?” She wanted something, narrowing my eyes I crossed my hands over my front, “ _Talk.”_ I pressed and she grinned devilishly.

 “I’m having some friends over and I want the works. Cookies, cupcakes, brownies, _fresh_ popcorn, and cake pops.” She announced grinning every so widely at me because she knew she won.

 “ _Fine,_ when’s the party.” I grit through clenched teeth because _please God_ don’t let Peter come walking out the door.

 “Tonight, chop chop Lara Jean.” She smugly teased as she bounced past me to her room firmly shutting the door on this conversation. Groaning I push into my room ignoring the way Peter choked on his water as I walked in and fell face first into my bed.

 “Covey _where_ are your pants?” He asked his voice a little too low for my liking, at least during my current predicament. “Shut it Kavinsky.” I snapped mentally going through the contents of the kitchen trying to come up with a game plan.

 Pushing off the bed I crossed the room snatching up my skirt off the desk and sliding it on buttoning it all the way up. “I have to bake today.” I firmly stated as I tucked my shirt into the skirt and he scrambled off the bed with his typical _whoa, whoa, whoa_ that was _so_ Peter and so cute.

 A half tilted smile greeted him as he stood over me a pout over his lips, “We have a date, Covey.” He reminded me and I just shook my head, “Unless you want Daddy to know I walked around the house in my…” I nodded my head and Peter finished, “Panties?” I squeaked slapping him on the arm because that was such an intimate word, “ _Underwear_ , Kitty propositioned me to bake for her party tonight- well sleepover.”

 I’ve seen Peter blush before but this was sweet, I loved knowing he still cared about what Daddy thought of him now as he did all those years ago. Even though we were having sex and we were pretty sure Daddy knew about it he still made sure to keep his distance and act respectful in the presence of my father and Trina.

 “Okay,” he began pulling me into his arms, “how can I help?”

 “You can help by not distracting me,” I teased pressing up on my toes to cover his lips lightly with my own, “and by asking Kitty what kinda of goodies she wants.” My fingers trailed down the thin cotton of his shirt and I loved the ways his eyed lidded like this. His lips parted and as much as I wanted to throw caution to the wind there was _no way_ anything would be happening with Kitty in the house.

 Pulling away I turned to the closet pulling out some knee high socks and leaning down to slide them over my feet and upward as I heard Peter mutter some choice words under his breath leading me to giggle. “You’re _not_ fair, Covey.” He huffed and taking a page out of Kitty’s book I turned to him with a sweet smile clapping my hands together, “ _Chop, chop Kavinsky.”_

 He ran over towards me and I let out a loud squeal as he picked me up spinning me around falling onto the bed together as he began to tickle at me. “What was that, Covey? I don’t think I heard you right.” He teased as I breathlessly laughed slapping at his hands trying to fill my lungs with air. “ _Peter_!” I squeaked out through my laughter before I was successfully able to grip at both of his wrists rolling us over so I was on top of his pinning his arms above his head.

 I’m not dumb, I know I didn’t do this with my brute strength and the way he was looking up at me with those eyes I honestly couldn’t bring myself to care that he let me win. Leaning down I pressed a line of soft kisses along his jaw over to his ear, “On second though you can help me by laying right here,” I muttered and he groaned, it was low and throaty and _God_ if Kitty wasn’t just a wall away I’d have my way with Peter Kavinsky. “Because you are much too distracting and if I want to live til tomorrow I need to start baking.”

 I placed a sloppy open mouth kissed to the hallow of his throat before sliding off his lap and bouncing out of the room before I could change my own mind. It took Peter awhile to come back downstairs but he did with Kitty on his back and I adored the way she adored him.

 After Kitty lost Josh I was worried she’d close herself off to Margot’s and my future boyfriends but she stuck to Peter like white on rice. It was because of his heart, he was so pure and lovable. The way he drove her around in his Audi to drop her off at school and took her on little dates when he was home on the weekends from college. He set the bar high for men in Kitty’s life and I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way.

 Peter watched movies with Kitty before I insisted he take her out for some ice cream and sleepover essentials, mostly because she was getting on my nerves. “ _No Lara Jean! I want_ red _frosting not pink!”_ And I was going to tug those cute little braids right out of her head. She all too gladly hopped into the passenger’s side of Peter’s Audi and they went off down the road and _finally_ silence.

 Jamie Fox-Pickle sat at my feet licking at the powdered sugar and occasional dab of frosting I dropped down for him. I heard a car door shut and I assumed it was Peter and Kitty having forgot something but instead Trina came in sliding her way into one of the bar stool opposite of me on the island.

 “Trina, hi.” I greeted her with a soft smile before returning back to my cake pop dilemma. There was a beat of silence before she offered a soft cough halting me from my current debacle, I looked up with a curve of my brow.

 I couldn’t decipher the way in which she was looking at me so I waited nervously rolling at the cake pop in my hand. _Finally_ she spoke, “You know I was the one who came home and found you?” She asked softly in that same Margot tone that insinuated she wasn’t wanting me to really answer. “I called your father and I swear I’ve never seen that man speed before but he about crashed right into the garage as he got here.” She chuckled fondly and felt my heart lurch because I never wanted to be the one hurting Daddy.

 “I’m not good at all of this, I’m good with Kitty because she’s young but sometimes I don’t know the boundary when it comes to you and Margot,” she sighed twisting her fingers before her, “I honestly never gave much thought to kids but when it came to Daniel I never questioned trying to make it work because he’s so special.” She chuckled and my heart warmed because Trina really did love Daddy. When it all came down to it she was going to take care of him and it didn’t matter if they didn’t seem like a perfect fit because she fit into our lives, she was a Covey girl now.

 “I can remember being young and in love like you and Peter and I’m not here to tell you anything you don’t already know because you’re a smart girl, Lara Jean,” she began exhaling a soft breath, “I just want you to be careful. Peter is amazing and I know he’d never purposefully hurt you but I don’t want you to hurt that way if things don’t work out.” I get it, I softened because she was trying, it was like extending an olive branch.

 My mom was never here to tell me about first loves and how to guard my heart, Margot tried and reminded me about her and Josh but we were Peter and Lara Jean. I found myself walking around the island pulling Trina into a hug and I could tell by the surprised huff that she wasn’t exactly expecting it. No, Trina would never be my mother but she was something missing and suddenly it felt nice to feel somewhat whole. I realized how much I craved having someone like Trina to speak to and again I felt so incredibly happy that Daddy had her in his life.

 “Thank you, Trina.” I muttered before pulling away and she offered a gentle tilt of her lip before clapping her hands together, “Alright I’m going to get ready for spin class.” She offered and I chuckled because the moment was over so I went back to my cake pops and she went to hers and Daddy’s room like nothing happened but it did and I felt lighter because of it.

 I spend the next couple of hours busting my butt for Kitty and when she returned with Peter a ice cream cake in hand and a abashed look painted over Peter’s face I could have screamed. Spread over the island I had a dozen cake pops, a stack of chocolate and peanut butter brownies, red velvet cupcakes, I even busted out the snickerdoodles for Kitty and _this_ is how she treats me?

 “You are _not_ getting fresh popcorn, you can heat that up yourself.” I huffed turning to Peter my eyes narrowing because _where_ would Kitty have gotten the money for that cake, the guilt was all over his face.

 “That’s fine,” Kitty smugly snickered swiping a cookie off the plate as she bounced over to the living room flipping upside down onto the back of the couch her feet dangled over the back.

 I couldn’t really be mad at Peter because Kitty had a way of working us all and I knew he had a soft spot for her. How in the would could I fault him for caring about my sister? I couldn’t. I pulled him into a soft kiss, a _thank you_ and Kitty made a gagging noise that separated us with a chuckle.

 Once Kitty’s friends were around happily munching on all of their goodies and Daddy and Trina were home Peter and I left.

 He took me out to the woods and at first I refused because, “Peter I’m wearing heels what if I trip?” but once that was dismissed I followed up with a weak, “It’s dark though…” And he just chuckled and took my hand leading me down the gravel path.

 Pressing his fingers over my eyes he led me carefully forward before pulling his hands back with a loud, “ _Surprise!”_ And at first I was confused because it was a tree but then I looked up and, “ _Oh_ ,” I muttered as I took in the somewhat poorly build tree house lit up above me, “Peter did you do this?” I asked completely taken aback.

 “I know how much that tree house matter to you so I tried to make a new one.” _Tried_ being the keyword he was going for but I thought it was perfect. I was so taken aback I just realized he must have been doing this for weeks.

 “Peter how long did this take?” I asked my eyes wide and he just shrugged so I kissed him. I kissed him long and hard because he did this for me. He pressed my back to the rough bark of the tree but I didn’t mind I wrapped myself around him thanking him with every press of my lips to his own.

 Once I pulled back both our lips swollen and lungs aching for air I bit down quickly making my way up the wooden stairs and it was so bad but so good. It was steady which was the only thing that really mattered but the rest was so make-shift it made me smile. I could almost imagine Peter trying to piece this all together and I love him _so much_.

 Scooting in I heard Peter come in behind me and I cuddled up into the corner the electric lamp in the middle of the room lighting up the small space showing all the imperfections. There were boards that didn’t line up leaving gaps in the walls and the roof was _definitely_ crooked and there was a hole? “ _It’s a sunroof Lara Jean_.” Peter firmly stressed and I loved it.

 We stayed up there for hours talking about the future and reminiscing on the past wondering where everyone was and how they were doing. Curled up between his legs our fingers interlocked with the cool summer breeze wafting through the tree house was where I wanted to stay forever.

 “Lara Jean,” Peter softly whispered down into my ear and I shivered feeling his hot breath, “I want to marry you, I don’t want you to think I don’t. I love you and if you wanted I’d build you a house with my own two hands.” I interrupted playfully, “ _Peter_ , I want a house without holes in the walls.” I softly kid and he gave me a soft pinch to my side, “ _Shut it_ Covey I’m trying to make a point.” And I did.

 “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life as I am about you and me but I just don’t see the rush. If I love you in five years as much as I love you today I don’t think a ring does anything to add to it.” He explained softly and I get it. His dad really did scar him and he didn’t want to make rash decisions because even though he’d never be like his father he didn’t want to hurry into anything. I completely understood that one hundred percent.

 “What I’m trying to say Lara Jean is I fully intend to marry you one day but I also intend to wait. There’s so much I want to do with you before we get married and I hope you understand.” His voice was unsure in that way it tended to get sometimes. For someone so confident he could be incredibly insecure at times and all he needed was a little boost. So I turned around brushing my fingers along the length of his jaw as I drew him into a long and sure kiss.

 Soothing all his worries with the assurance of, _Yes Peter, I will wait. I’ll wait five, ten, twenty years for you to be ready to marry me. As long as I have you I don’t care how long it takes._ And I knew he heard me without a single word needing to be spoken.

 We spent our summer in that tree house and it made me feel like a child again, I told him that one day I hoped we could put this same one in our backyard for our kids to play in and he agreed as long as we had four little ‘ _Covey-Kavinsky_ ’ babies. I said three _Kavinksy_ babies and we’d compromise when the time comes but I knew that being half Peter I’d have as many as he wanted.

 When school rolled around he drove all the way down helping me move in with Erin and gave me a long and hard kiss goodbye. I cried as I watched his Audi drive off into the distance but he called me that night and I fell asleep to the sound of his breathing making all feel right in the world.

 He was my date to Margot and Ravi’s wedding where she all but pelted me with the bouquet and Kitty died of laughter but I could see Daddy’s face turn white out of the corner of my eye. _Not yet Daddy_. I promised giving him my best smile and Trina just laughed wrapping her arms around him and I knew he’d be just fine.

 All the way up until Peter’s graduation I was at every game I could spare lugging my books with me to the front row even if they never got opened. I kept my promise and I was always the first of all the girlfriends to run down kissing him win or lose.

 I graduated a year later with my doctorates in Biochemistry and we finally did live together that year in a small crappy apartment right off campus. We fought, we made up, and we had those moments of domestic bliss I so craved because living with Peter Kavinsky was everything I could have hoped.

 We moved back home just like I wished and he got a job at a clinic working with athletes in strength conditioning and coached a summer league for lacrosse. I got a job as a Biomedical Chemist and as fun as that sounds I did find time to keep baking even if our kitchen in that small two bedroom house sucked. It was our first real home and even if it was terrible I loved every square foot of that place so much that I cried the whole time we packed up to leave.

 Peter did eventually build me my dream house and by that I mean we took out a loan and had our dream house made. He hammered a nail into one of the walls and smugly looked at me, “ _You can’t say I didn’t build you a house, Covey.”_ And I loved him more that day than I ever did before.

 I kept another promise over the years and despite Margot and Kitty I never pressured Peter into marrying me. We went on with our lives because I wanted to make sure _he_ was sure and that the people we grew into were the people who still loved each other with every piece of their being. On my twenty-seventh birthday he proposed to me and it was perfect timing because after living in our house a couple of months I realized it was far too big for just two people.

 “And maybe four kids wouldn’t be such a bad idea, Kavinksy.” I mused standing before him in a gorgeous white dress with a flower crown in my hair petals intricately woven into the braid falling down the length of my back. I’ve never seen that man smile so big and when he kissed me in that moment I swore I could have flown away. He had that effect on me even after all these years.

 I was a Song girl through and through and I’d always be a Covey girl deep down but from the day I stood before him in my hanbok on New Year’s and he read my second letter, where for the first time I saw him jealous and I kissed him like I’d done so many times since then, like I’d missed him and I’d been four hundred years since I’d been able to feel his lips against my own. That’s when I knew in my heart I’d do anything to be a Kavinsky girl and I finally was.  

 “Lara Jean Song- _Kavinsky.”_ He whispered in my ear and I pulled him closer by the lapels of his jacket and asked him to say it again because it was just _too sweet_ and I needed to hear it again. So he did and even though he still called me Covey I knew by the glimmer in his eye that he was so proud that I had his last name.

 Peter Kavinsky gave me my first kiss and love story and heartbreak. He gave me hope and the strength to fight teaching me that not everything comes easy but its _so_ worth it. He was everything I could have hoped for and so much more wrapped in the form of a tall muscular honey eyed and brown tussled haired man.

 And I can’t believe it but it all started with a love letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ocean Eyes - Billie Eilish  
> Need You Now - Dean Lewis  
> Dusk Till Dawn - ZAYN
> 
> It's over and my heart has exploded. I want to cry because it's over but I'm so incredibly happy that I finished it. I really, really, really hope you guys love this as much as I've loved writing it. I don't mean for the end to feel rushed I just felt like closing it on them going back to school WASN'T CLOSURE. This was closure without writing a million and ten more chapters. I'll probably be writing a new Covinksy fic soon because I love soft pure babies. I love you all and thank you so much for your beautiful comments and kudos and I hope you all enjoyed this.

**Author's Note:**

> As usual the disclaimer- I don't own these magical characters nor do I own the fantastic series To All The Boys I've Loved Before. I just take inspiration from these incredibly characters in which I wasn't ready to let go of yet.
> 
> Thanks for reading, kudos and comments are always appreciated and welcomed.


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